Peter's advice
by Noodlejelly
Summary: Peter’s sick of Voldie’s overwhelming success at everything, so in an attempt to rival him he’s taking drastic measures. Yes that’s right, he’s setting up his own advice column, so drop by and tell Peter your secrets and he’ll be sure to help
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: All owned by J.K Rowling not me  
  
A/N: Just read it  
  
Hello, I'm your wonderful new advice columnist for the Daily Prophet, Peter Pettigrew. I think this could finally be the perfect job for me, it's fair to say that in the past I have made more than a few small mistakes. But now I have realised that Voldie isn't as great as I thought, in fact he's not even remotely scary, so I have taken this job in a new career move.  
  
Actually when you think about it I have been giving advice all my life, for example Voldie came to ask me for advice about where Lily and James where, I was able to help him straight away. I just can't help my helpful caring nature, which is why I want to help you with your problems. I can give wonderful advice on anything from transformation (and McGonagall said I was no good at it, I'll show her), to romance (I'm sure girls only screamed when I went near them because I was so good looking) or even cookery (I made Harry's first birthday cake). I can also give first hand accounts on being a deatheater and how to fake your own death convincingly.  
  
Here's an example of the type of letter you could send me:  
  
Dear Mr Pettigrew or most wonderful hero of mine (I don't mind which)  
  
I have recently become a deatheater but now wish to go back to playing Quidditch for my national team, what can I do that won't result in my very slow tortuous death at the hands of the Dark Lord?  
  
From foreign seeker  
  
So send me your worries and remember that `A problem shared is a problem halved' or something to that effect. Go on, get writing now, you know you want to.  
  
Peter Pettigrew, advice columnist for the Daily Prophet, ex-deatheater, ex-marauder, part-time rat  
  
A/N: So review some problems or just review, you can send letters from Voldemort, Harry, Dumbledore, anyone you want and hopefully if this is popular I'll get a new chapter up soon 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Peter, but I do own Sirius, he's mine all mine, oh no wait he's not  
  
****  
  
Dear Mr. Rat  
My problem is that I was locked up in St. Mungos for about the last 12 years. It was all a set-up! Someone did not want me to raise my godson, who I have not seen since he was 11 months years old. I don't know where he is right now, it hurts I want to raise him. Also I want the head of the guy or gal who set me up! I have been looking for the other godparent, of my little guy. I'm hoping he can tell me what happened, any ideas as to how I can find SB he's the other godparent.  
Ticked off and not crazy!  
  
*  
  
Dear crazy person  
  
I must say you sound rather crazy to me, but anyway I know it was all a set-up, it was yet another marvellous plan of mine, but you were meant to end up in Azkaban with that big slobbery dog not in St. Mungos, so sorry about that. You should rethink your plan to raise your godson, he's a liability, he attracts deatheaters and dementors along with evil dark lords, so your life will be a lot easier without him. If you want to find SB how about shaking a large packet of dog biscuits, if you do find him you could turn him back over to the ministry and get a nice reward as well (and you'll be doing me a favour).  
  
Good luck  
  
*******  
  
Wormtail, you lying sack of &$^%,  
I've got a huge problem on my hands. This friend of mine killed two of our friends years ago, and now he's after my godson. What is the best way to let the little idiot know that he WILL be having a SLOW and VERY PAINFUL death as soon as I can find him?  
~Mr. Padfoot  
  
*  
  
Dear poor confused Padfoot  
  
What a terrible friend that man must have being, oops wait you mean me. Well if I was you, you should just give up trying to protect everybody, you already broke out of Azkaban you should be satisfied with that. Let's face it you always were a show off, always trying to beat everybody else and in the end who won? Me, not you, me, Hahaha. So just be grateful the dementors didn't kill you, forget about Harry (he'll be dead soon anyway), don't bother trying to kill me, you know how it all ended last time, do you really want to spend another 12 years in Azkaban?  
  
From the guy who used to worship you  
  
P.S. You should watch that temper of yours it could get you into even more trouble  
  
*******  
  
Dear Mr Pettigrew  
  
I have recently become a deatheater but now wish to go back to playing Quidditch for my national team, what can I do that won't result in my very slow tortuous death at the hands of the Dark Lord?  
  
From foreign seeker  
  
*  
  
Dear Vicky  
  
It will be very hard work, but obviously I have had experience at avoiding our old pal Voldie, I would advise being really annoying so that he gets fed up with you and kicks you out, although this is risky because he may just kill you instead. Try turning up late to meetings wearing a badge saying `Dumbledore rules' or maybe even `Potter for President', you could also hum I'm a little teapot over and over again, it really annoys him a lot (he had a bad experience with a biting teacup when he was younger).  
  
By the way Bulgaria losing to Ireland, that was hilarious, bad luck  
  
From a fellow ex-deatheater  
  
****  
  
Dear Peter  
  
I was just wondering whether you have ever read Hogwarts a History, it's a wonderful book  
  
From library nut  
  
*  
  
Dear Library nut  
  
Of course I have read Hogwarts a History, are you implying I'm stupid? It was my favourite book when I was at Hogwarts, I was always in the library reading it (even though my grades didn't really reflect how studious I was). You shouldn't believe everybody who says I'm stupid, they're just jealous of my good lucks and brains, I just made a small mistake in transfiguration once and everybody remembered it forever. In fact it was McGonagall's fault, she shouldn't have such a stupid accent, how was I supposed to know she wanted us to turn our pincushions into pigs, I thought she said to turn ourselves into pigs. And if I could only half change back that was because my wand was broken, it wasn't because I didn't know how.  
  
From Peter Pig, I mean Peter Pettigrew  
  
*****  
  
That seems to be all there was in my mailbag this week, but feel free to write to me, I'll help anyone, deatheaters, ex-friends, teachers, students and even Voldie himself, because I'm such a nice caring and thoughtful guy 


	3. Lots of lovely letters

Dear soon to be dead Mr. Rat.  
  
Well, Mr.Rat  
  
It seems the drugs they kept me doped up on are finally out of my poor fried body. I didn't have much fun in St. Mungos, ratty. You see they were less than kind to me, to put it mildly. Also Lucias was a constant visitor, until I managed to break his hand. So rat….err Peter how about dinner this Friday at that seafood place you know the one next to that huge Volcano in Italy?  
  
Ticked off Godmother, who wants her godson back.  
  
*  
  
Dear godmother who is beginning to tick me off  
  
Hmm an interesting proposition, of course I already have a lot offers from models and actresses but I can always make time for old friends, you never know I may be able to betray you to somebody else, it's always useful to have a lot of friends so you can hide behind them. There are only two problems firstly I don't like Italian food, and secondly just how gullible do you think I am? I know the old trick of getting your enemy next to the volcano and then either causing an eruption or just pushing him in it.  
  
*****  
  
Dear Mr. Pettigrew-  
  
Let me start by saying I am your most devoted fan, and have been inspired to new levels of treachery by your exploits!  
  
I would like to become a professional turn-coat, betraying my friends and family for fun and profit. Do you have any advice as to how to get started in my life of traitordom? Is there any special equipment and/or training I need?  
  
Your most devoted follower,  
  
Lady Piper  
  
P.S. I don't suppose you need a lackey do you....?  
  
*  
  
I'm touched by your nice letter, although it's a very hard job to be a professional turncoat you already sound to be half way there. It's very important that you make friends with people who are more important than you, then the bad guy will always kill them and not you, I would also advise trying to sell your grandmother for scientific experiments, I got 200 galleons for my grandmother. Of course you don't need any special equipment, just make sure you never miss an opportunity to cash in on everything and if you have to chose sides make sure you chose the side with the most power and the nicest houses.  
  
Your encouraging mentor  
  
P.S. I always need lackeys, if you want the job catch the knight bus to Peter's Place  
  
*****  
  
Dear dirty rat.  
  
DIE YOU EVIL BAG OF FILTH!!! I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR TELLING VOLDEMORT (Ron: DON'T SAY THAT NAME!) WHERE MY PARENTS WERE!!! IN FACT, VOLDEMORT AND I AGREED TO STOP OUR FUED UNTIL WE MANAGED TO TORTURE AND KILL YOU!  
  
Person that seriously (no offence, Sirius) wants to kill Peter.  
  
*  
  
Shut up scarboy, after all I've done for you, this is how you repay me. I've protected you your whole life, I got rid of your parents who would have made you eat nasty things like sprouts, I made you world famous and I got you a really nice scar. In fact I'm the only person to really stand by you, Sirius uses been in Azkaban as an excuse, well he could have broken out sooner and Remus didn't even bother coming to see you. You should be ashamed of yourself, shouting at the man who ensured your ever-lasting fame.  
  
A very upset ex-best friend of your father and godfather  
  
*****  
  
Dear ex-slave that will soon be dead.  
  
WEAK AM I?! WE'LL SEE HOW WEAK I AM WHEN POTTER AND I SHOW UP TO KILL YOU! YOU'LL PAY FOR CALLING ME THAT! YOU'LL ALSO PAY FOR TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THE TEACUP INCIDENT! (How did you find out about that, anyways?)  
  
Rat Hunter, aka Lord Voldemort.  
  
*  
  
You know I was such a fool, I actually thought you might have some power, but you needed my help for everything, you'd still be a shadow in Romania if it wasn't for me. You can't even kill me by yourself, you need help from a small boy who keeps defeating you, so I'm not really even slightly worried by your pointless threats  
  
From the man who has pictures of you sleeping with a teddy bear as well as the teacup incident  
  
P.S. Be careful working with scarboy, he may take the opportunity to kill you once and for all and we wouldn't want that would we  
  
*****  
  
Dear Mr. Petti,  
  
I feel so alone. No one likes my cooking. I don't understand why. It's not like mixing random potion ingredients does any harm, right? That's how inventions are made. I have enclosed a sample of my hemlockade, try it and write back with your comments.  
  
Brilliant Chef  
  
*  
  
I know exactly what you mean, I made beautiful food and yet nobody ate it, not even Sirius and he once ate bark from the tree. For example I spent hours making this wonderful pink cake for Harry's first birthday, it was a labour of love but Lily just flew into a rage and accused me of trying to poison her son, but I got her back in the end.  
  
I think hemlockade is a wonderful invention, I gave it to my annoying next door neighbour and now she's in a coma, well done  
  
A fellow brilliant chef  
  
*****  
  
Wormtail!  
  
How could you abandon your master like that? I knew you were an idiot, but really. You have committed suicide, Wormtail. We WILL get you.  
  
Dark Lord's Apprentice  
  
*  
  
How very scary, I'm quaking at the very prospect. So which one of you deatheaters wrote it? I don't think Crabbe and Goyle even know how to write so not them, if this is Malfoy then he doesn't have the nerve to kill me. In fact have any of you deatheaters done anything remotely scary recently? Besides you're meant to be killing scarface, so if you can't kill a schoolboy, how do you expect to kill me?  
  
From a very amused former deatheater who may turn you all into the ministry, I hear Azkaban is lovely this time of year  
  
*****  
  
Dear Mr. Pettigrew,  
  
My thirty cats are very bothersome. They want to be fed constantly. They want to be let in. They want to be let out. They scratch my sofa. They scratch my house plants. They scratch my walls. They scratch the back of my head. What should I do?  
  
Bald With Cat Hair.  
  
*  
  
Have you considered the possibility of selling them? They could prove to be wonderful bodyguards, I personally will buy one and not feed it, so if Voldie or scarboy come round the cat will just tear them to shreds. I would look at them not as a bother but as an opportunity to make serious money  
  
*****  
  
Dear Evil Peter,  
  
I think you are still a Death Eater. I think you have plans to win back the trust of the people. Then, I think you will set out to rule the world. I think you are in the league with You-Know-Who. I think you are an evil fraud. I think you're a big meanie who thinks we can't see what you are planning with your evil mind and your more evil intentions.  
  
Future Auror  
  
*  
  
I think that's very insightful of you, while my ambition at the moment is really just to help people in need (honestly), at some point I do intend to rule the world. I would like to offer you a position in my team, if you accept you will control vast armies and have a large mansion, if you decline I will find you and most probably kill you.  
  
Have a nice day  
  
*****  
  
Dear Peter,  
  
Is it true about the rat thing? I am a misunderstood journalist who became an animagus just so I could make loads of cash, uh, that is, people educated. For some reason everyone hates me. Do you know why this is?  
  
Sincerely,  
  
R. S.  
  
PS - if you would like to meet up sometime and discuss our mutual experiences as animagi, see me in the Leaky Cauldron at 3.00pm tomorrow. Maybe you could tell me why many men shy away from me, are they overwhelmed by my dazzling good looks? I'm sure it can't be the news story I ran on my ex-boyfriend, that was completely true. Well, in a metaphorical sense  
  
*  
  
The rat thing is true, I was trying to keep it secret but people do seem to be obsessed with me, I'm rather like a very famous celebrity so I allowed people to know about my fabulous amigus powers. I find that often the best- looking and brainiest people are the ones who are hated, women often run away when I go near them because they're just too shy to talk to me. It sounds like we have a lot in common so if I can spare the time I'll see you at 3.  
  
From a fellow amigus  
  
P.S. Making money is a very admirable aim, I suggest you try and find new and improved ways of doing so, (advice columnist pays quite well)  
  
*****  
  
Dear Peter,  
  
I recently got excepted into Hogwarts. When I arrived, I got offered a spot in the Quidditch team. Should I take it?  
  
Signed,  
  
Awesome Flier  
  
*  
  
Did I ever tell you how brilliant I was at Quidditch? I was probably the best player Hogwarts had ever seen, I played seeker and I could beat anybody. But because I was such a nice and caring young man, I decided to let James have my position because he didn't really seem to be good at anything. Oh yeah back to you, of course you should play on your Quidditch team unless you're really ugly and embarrassed to be seen in public  
  
Quidditch expert  
  
*****  
  
Dear Wormtail,  
  
How do you find and torture the ex-deatheater that has been giving away secrets on what annoys Lord Voldemort? I'd really appreciate it if you could answer me.  
  
From Dear ol' Voldie  
  
*  
  
Voldie, Voldie, Voldie, when will you learn that people you think are weaker than you generally end up defeating you. However I will give you advice because I feel sorry for you trying to be so evil and failing miserably every time, so maybe this death-eater has other enemy's who would also like to see him dead (*cough Sirius cough*) (*cough Harry cough*) (*cough Remus cough*). Maybe these other people would consider helping a poor feeble old man like you to hunt down this particularly charming and handsome ex-deatheater, but if you do take this advice just remember I have very incriminating photo's of you on a beach with not many clothes on.  
  
Say hi to that snake of yours from me  
  
*****  
  
*  
  
*  
  
Disclaimer: Surprising though it may be to believe, I don't own any of Harry Potter  
  
A/N: Special shout out to Luz De Estrella who e-mailed me several letters, thanks to everyone who sent a letter and please continue to send them 


	4. Unusually a few more letters

Disclaimer: Nothings changed, I don't own this  
  
A/N: Just to let you know that if you want to read a more serious Peter fic, then 'Saving the past' is currently on chapter four  
  
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.  
  
Dear Dirty Traitor,  
  
I HATE YOU!!!! YOU BETTER HOPE THAT I DON'T MEET VOLDEMORT AND TEAM UP WITH HIM AND HARRY!! BY THE WAY, THIS IS HARRY'S GIRLFRIEND AND IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON HIS CUTE LITTLE HEAD, I WILL KILL YOU {NOT LIKE I ALLREADY AIN'T}  
  
Signed, ticked off girlfriend  
  
*  
  
Dear delusional dreamer  
  
Cute little head? Who exactly are you? Let me guess its either that little Weasel, or how about that one whose boyfriend I killed or maybe even the geeky best friend. Whoever it is they must be blind, Harry has the kind of face that only a mother could love especially as it's scared right across his forehead, don't you think it's rather disfiguring? I always thought Harry was gay, are you sure he's not just using you as a way to make Ron or Draco jealous? And by the way the thought of Harry and Voldemort working together is very scary, but only because I can imagine the arguments about who gets to use the bathroom first in the mornings.  
  
P.S. I'm not dirty, I take regular baths  
  
**  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
**  
  
Dear Ratty.  
  
Just to set the record straight, I was not going to wait for the volcano to blow.(That would be stupid.) Just as I was not going to shove you in when your back was turned, I had just planed on dinner, by the way you were a no show. But have no fear about the cost of having reserved the table for two. I did have a nice chat with an old friend. Who was sweet enough to have dinner with me. Things went very well and we picked up right where we left off. With luck Sev and I will be married sometime next year. I will be by next Tuesday to kill you with a chainsaw and lime juice for standing me up. I got my magic mirror back so you can't hide.  
  
Ticked off Godmother with Chainsaw.  
  
*  
  
My favourite chainsaw wielding maniac  
  
I'm sure Snape will be a wonderful husband, but I'd be careful that all that grease from his hair doesn't block up the plug-hole. If I was trying to hide then I wouldn't be writing for a big paper would I, in fact I'll meet up with you on Tuesday, but be aware that I do have an annoying tendency to escape trouble and then the other person ends up in jail. If you don't believe me then just ask Sirius, he knows full well how dangerous it is to mess with me  
  
The guy with plans to gatecrash your wedding  
  
**  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
**  
  
Dear rat boy,  
  
if you are so interested in making money, maybe you should sell yourself to a rat lab. They shock the rats, have electric floors and everything. Why don't you do this. I'm sure it pays better then conversing with the dark lord.  
  
One who loves *cough*hates*cough* you dearly  
  
*  
  
Dear stupid suggestions  
  
Or I could capture you and sell your organs off bit by bit that should make me even more money. It's not hard to make more money than working for Voldie, considering he doesn't pay anything, in fact I may have to call the employment office and anonymously tip them off about that.  
  
From everyone's favourite rat  
  
**  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
**  
  
Dear Mr Pettigrew,  
  
Why did you betray the Mr and Mrs Potter, then try to pass the blame to Mr Black?  
  
Signed, Just Curious...  
  
*  
  
Dear Curious  
  
Well I was made secret keeper, which was fine with me because I'm obviously so trustworthy and nice. But then I had to hide as well, which got really boring so I was just going to tell them that I didn't want to be secret keeper any more, but when I went to see them Harry was sick all over my nice new shirt. Well as you can imagine I was very angry and took the only available option, selling Lily and James to Voldie. Sirius just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, unlucky for him really.  
  
From Mr Pettigrew, chief column editor at the Daily Prophet  
  
**  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
**  
  
Dear Mr. Pettigrew-  
  
Thank you very much for your advice! I'm pleased to tell you that the bid for my grandmother on ebay just passed the five thousand dollar mark! (I'm not certain what the current dollars/galleons ratio is) While I'm waiting for the bidding to finish, I've got a few more questions to ask you, my wonderful, handsome, rodentine mentor:  
  
I've never been troubled by this 'conscience' thing that people keep talking about. Do I need one? How much blackmail money should I ask for if you have naked pictures of someone important with a 'lady of ill repute'? Which newspaper should I send them to, if they don't pay?  
  
Well, I must away with me, I have to figure out what the minimum bid should be for a first cousin.  
  
Your most devoted follower,  
  
Lady Piper  
  
P.S. I'll hop the Knight Bus as soon as possible--see you soon  
  
*  
  
To my worthy successor  
  
A conscience is a very bad thing and if you ever do acquire one sell it quickly before it can sully that wonderful nature of yours. As for these pictures they sound priceless, you should make a lot of unreasonable demands to this man and even if he somehow manages to pay you should then sell them to the Daily Prophet anyway. (Is it Fudge? Because that would be hilarious but not as hilarious as Malfoy or Dumbledore)  
  
I look forward to meeting you, I think we will make a very good partnership and will do many great things together, well great for us not for the people we're going to exploit and trick  
  
**  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
**  
  
Dear rattail (hehe)  
  
How do you catch the person who tied you to a gravestone and brought back the person who killed your parents, framed your godfather and is the reason you're living with the worst muggles on the planet?  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Snuffles' godson (and his friends)  
  
*  
  
Dear HP  
  
Usually if you got a good look at your attacker you would be able to track him down after endless years of hard work and eventually try and kill him. However in your case it's easy here I am, but Harry how many times do I have to tell you that I did you a favour, you can tell some wonderful great escape stories down the pub now. And as for the Dursley's being the worst muggles on the planet, I must disagree with you, at least they gave you a lovely snug little room and some food, it's a lot more than some people get. But maybe you could enter the Dursley's for the 'Worst muggles on the planet' competition which is run by the Daily Prophet every year.  
  
From WORMtail (be careful insulting me you may find yourself tied to another grave in the near future)  
  
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A/N: Another chapter another round of shameless begging for reviews. So here goes: Please review, please review pleeeaasseee 


	5. Peter writes again

 A/N: So I haven't updated for, um, oh let's call it a year. That sounds bad but there's a wonderful explanation, quite what it is I'm not sure, but it's definitely wonderful. Anyway hello again, a brief recap as to what this fic is about. Peter is now an advice columnist so send him your letters and with his lifetime of useful experience in every situation he's sure to be able to help you somehow. Now on with the show

*  
*  
*

Dear my one and only love,  
  
OH PETER PETTIGREW! I ABSOLUTELY ADORE YOU!! PLEASE THROW ME DOWN AND RAVISH ME ON YOUR ..erm.. COLUMN WRITING DESK!! I love the way you betrayed your friends, that was soooo hot. Will you betray me too? I hope so. Maybe I'll betray you too! Wouldn't that be fun? It could be a game. Please Marry Me.  
  
-You're biggest, prettiest, most scheming fan. I LOVE YOU!!

*

Dear marriage proposal number 37 this week

Now let's get something straight, betrayal is not a game and should not be attempted by anyone other than highly trained professionals. I myself would happy to train you for a reasonable fee. Marriage depends on your looks and wealth, after all a handsome bloke like me doesn't want to end up with some ugly mutt. However, I am receptive to the idea of ravishing you, how does Friday afternoon next week sound?

Peter, currently clearing space on his desk

***

Yo P. Funk -  
Can you lend me $5,000 in cash? I need it for drugs.  
  
Signed,  
Way Doped-up Witch

*

Dear weird witch

Drugs? My good god, woman, you need help. If you gained $5,000 then you should invest it in making more money, a good way to do this would be to possibly become a drugs trafficker (but not take the drugs yourself), although this is a risky career and the possibility of been detained in an overnight prison is high. But as for the money, I will gladly lend you $5000 on my very reasonable interest rates. Let me run you through the basic repayment package, after the first week the payback price goes up 200%, second week I get to own your family and third week I send you to Voldie to be his general slave. Let me know just when you'd like to sign on the dotted line.

Your local loan-rat

***

Dear Mr. Tail,  
I have lived in a mountain cave since I graduated from my school. Everything has been fine until I found out I was rich. Now I'm in a dilemma: should I go back to civilization and be oppressed by society -- richly, though -- or stay in my calm cave and live life without worries?  
Yours truly,  
Ina Notherworld

*

Dear Cave dweller

This is really very simple, use the money to turn your simple cave into a fortress of luxurious living. This way you can avoid all those annoying people you have no desire to see, in fact if you hired dementors to guard the fortress gates then you could get rid of them for good. 

Don't forget to invite me over in summer, your good friend Peter

***

Dear Wormtail  
One day I was all alone polishing my 11-inch wand, when my mom walked in, she told me that I should have used Trojan polish, what do you think? I'm trying to avoid chafing and excess heat build-up. Please help!

*

When polishing one's wand, one must follow the simple sacred set of rules that were once taught to me by a certain James Potter (nice to know that he did some good in this world before his unfortunate demise)

1. You must always make sure to lock your door; mad fan-girls may be after your wand and so must be restrained (that final bit may just apply to me)

2. If it is at all possible you should try and find a lovely witch to share the wand with. The chat-up line 'Fancy polishing my 11-ich wand' should work wonders

3. You should never listen to your mother when she tries to advise you on wand polishing tips or on possible careers. Mother's are old and wrinkly and generally embarrassing (and don't realise that being a deatheater is a fine job even if it has a somewhat limited wardrobe)

Happy polishing, from Peter

***

Dear WORMhole,  
(nice reply, btw)  
Would you happen to have a picture of a certain white rat with one silver paw's locale? If so please send it to me via owl post.  
Here's the place-  
smallest bedroom  
4 Privet Drive  
Little Whinging  
Surrey  
And now, V wants to say something-  
I think it's you who should be careful about insults, you filthy, blundering excuse for a servant.-Voldie the Great  
HP, HG, RW, SB, Hogwarts Staff, Voldie, and the MOM

*

Hmm, just let me check. Nope, I'm all out of photos at the moment. However can I interest you in a signed secret box of Peter's powder? It's my new invention, guaranteed to kill all small annoying brats and ex-employers who have terrible working conditions. As for the Ministry of Magic, oh no, I'm so scared, oh wait, no I'm not. To you I don't even exist, I'm dead, remember? Come on, try and charge a dead man with some trumped up charge, I dare you.

By the way, Voldie you should remember just who it was who gave you your life back. Without me you'd still only be as powerful as that Longbottom lad (not at all). As the saying goes, I made you and I can break you too

From Peter who is writing his autobiography, 'The man who created the Dark Lord'

***

To a certain idiotic rat (you're anything but dear):  
A joint message in part from all of your haters, which include three of the most powerful wizards on the earth, two extremely angry godparents who are both after your blood, and two ghosts who you just /happened/ to have killed:  
Either turn yourself into the ministry, torture yourself to insanity, or jump into a lake.  
From your neighborhood "We-Hate-Pettigrew" workshop.

*

Dear my local hate group (I was taught manners as a child)

My my aren't you big-headed. Schoolkid, Bumblebee and Voldie, three most powerful wizards on earth? I haven't laughed so much in years, two of you will have heart attacks pretty damn soon and the other is probably too concerned with girls and spots to even remember how to duel. Godparents you should learn your lesson and stop trying to act like heroes, hasn't gone very well for you so far has it? As for the ghosts who I didn't actually kill, I just betrayed you, what are you going to do, haunt me forever? Oooo scary, I'm shaking in my brand new boots (bought with earnings from this very column)

From your neighbourhood hunk

***

My Illustrious Mentor-  
  
I thank you once again for you guidance. In your last reply, you asked the identity of the individual(s) present in my juicy little piece of blackmail material. It is indeed incriminating photographs of the Minister of Magic, in a most compromising position, and while Albus Dumbledore is himself not present, his phoenix Fawkes, does play a rather prominent role in the sordid goings on.   
  
Please find a copy of said picture enclosed, with my compliments.   
  
Your inquiry gave me a most intriguing idea. Why not digitally edit said photographic evidence to include whomever we wish? I am, my dashing mentor, looking into this very promising possibility as we speak. In the meantime, I have a few more questions for your most enlightening column:  
  
It seems from other letters in you column that there are a good number of people trying to kill you. What is your most successful method of evading them? Am I, as your faithful follower, allowed to kill/maim/disembowel anyone who succeeds in hurting you, or should I express my grief by initiating a full character assassination with my newfound skills in digitally created blackmail material? I do not know how to put this with out sounding like the simpering fangirls found in other advice columns of this type, but I'm certain all you fans want to know: Are you...available?  
  
Your most devoted, and furiously blushing follower,  
  
Lady Piper

*

Dear Lady Piper

Fudge, the old saucepot. I never knew he had it in him. Although he did once touch my knee in what I felt was a rather lewd attempt at seduction, but that's another story. 

You'll find that a number of these people threatening to kill me are in fact far too chicken to carry out their threats. After all they are meant to be on the 'good' side, so killing anyone would be morally wrong and cause them guilt and pain. As for Voldie, I feel confident that with my new fitness regime in place and going well, I will be able to easily outrun the old fool (now with bus pass and zimmerframe) if he tries anything. After all if he can't catch me, then he can't curse me.

I am as yet undecided about killing my enemies, of course I want them dead, I just don't want to have to do it myself, but if you wanted to then I feel it only right that I should support you. Perhaps you should kill someone like Potter and then release the digitally edited photos that show he was in fact Voldie's secret lover plotting to take over Hogwarts. Then people would be so grateful that you scuppered his evil plans, they'll completely forget you also killed him. I realise that this would be hard work, but if anyone can do it, it's you. 

As for available, it depends who to. To anyone who wants to kill me, then no I'm not. But any good-looking girls, who want to throw themselves adoringly at my feet, won't be turned away. However it should be noted that I am not good at any kind of relationship that involved trust or commitment, especially the trust part; betrayal is more than likely.

From Peter, you Lord and Master and possibly your future lover

***

Peter,  
  
You forgot to feed Nagini yesterday! She is very hungry and is quite partial to rat.  
  
Your Dark Lord,  
Voldemort

*

Then I suggest you go out and catch some yourself, because this particular rat is staying right where he is, laughing at your sorry ass. Bet you're sorry you were so nasty now that you have to do your own dirty work

And I've always wondered why exactly you're a Lord, do you belong to the muggle peerage or something? Because you can't just call yourself Lord on a whim

Your Leaping Lord

Peter

***

Dear Mr. Wormtail,  
I have recently been offered a job as an Advice Columnist from a maybe insane Editor of a Newspaper; Due to the fact that I've discovered that I am somewhat bored with being the minion of this really pathetic Darklord who with my son (I think he has a crush on that Potter boy) have taken to hanging around the boy they should be trying to kill, I'm actually considering it. Is there any advice you could give me?  
A soon to be former Deatheater.

*

Lucius, 

Don't be so defeatist. Sure your son hates your guts, fancies other men and is sucking your bank account dry. And you work for a maniac who will probably get you killed quite soon. But look at the good things, for example your wife …. Actually she's cheated on you with anything that breathes, but she sure is damn good in the sack if you catch my drift nudge nudge, wink wink.

Ok so there are no good things, grasp that job with both hands, insanity is no obstacle, on the contrary your boss will no doubt soon be carted off to the loony bin leaving you free to start plotting revenge on all those who have ever wronged you.

A fellow man disillusioned with Dark Lords

P.S. Plotting revenge on me, is not advisable, I always get out of it somehow

***

Peter-  
What is the best way to roast a rat?  
The dog star

*

Dear canine breath

There are so many ways that I feel it would be cruel to do anything other than refer you to my wonderful new cooking book, 'Betrayal, cooking and dog baiting', which is available in all good bookshops. However, I should advise former Azkaban escapees who are on the run, against holding large feasts of rat or even lighting fires, as the smoke would undoubtedly give your hiding position away to some lovely people who want to kiss you (I use the term people lightly, dark hooded soulless fiends may be more appropriate) and we wouldn't want that to happen, well not too much.

Mighty Rat

***

*transcription of message in red Howler envelope*  
  
PETER ALOUISHUS PETTIGREW!!!!  
HOW COULD YOU PUT ME THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!! THEY TELL ME YOU'RE DEAD AND THEN SEND ME A SEVERED FINGER TO BURY AND TELL ME YOU WERE DEAD AND THAT THAT WAS ALL THAT WAS LEFT AND I CRY AND MOURN AND VISIT YOUR GRAVE EVERY MEMORIAL DAY SINCE THEN ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU'VE BEEN LIVING AS A RAT FOR THE PAST DECADE AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO TELL YOU OWN MOTHER!!!! AND AS FOR ALL THIS DARK LORD BUSINESS, YOU'D BETTER HAVE A PRETTY GOOD EXPLANATION FOR THAT MISTER! I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK SINCE I FOUND OUT YOU WERE ALIVE! AS SOON AS I FIND OUT WHAT YOU DID WITH GRANNY PETTIGREW, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD LONG CONVERSATION ABOUT YOUR CONDUCT YOUNG MAN!!  
  
Loves and kisses  
Mum  
  
P.S. AND DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU TRYING TO KILL THAT POOR POTTER BOY.  
P.P.S. Eat your vegetables.

*

To my dearest bestest mummy

I sent you a letter explaining everything, honestly, it must have been lost in the post, you know what the post service is like nowadays, damn owls, so unreliable. 

Anyway you were always the one telling me to do something with my life and I have. How many other mothers can say that their son not only works for the Daily Prophet, knows what colour boxers the Dark Lord wears (red with blue stars) and is an animagus. I bet it's not more than four, you should be grateful to me for been such an ambitious lad and trying to bring money and power to his family. I bet Dad would be really proud of me, if he hadn't run off with the cleaner.

And he's not a poor Potter boy, he's a rich brat who stopped me from coming home to visit my dear mummy

Granny says hi, she's doing fine, she's very happy with her new family in Russia, they even let her eat on Sunday's now

Your little boy, Petey

*  
*  
*  
A/N: Well there we have it another chapter. If you send more letters then I absolutely promise that you won't have to wait anywhere near the year you did last time. Honestly ():)


End file.
